Kid Zone

You don’t wake up one day
and decide to have an affair. You’re more likely to gradually enter into the
arena of emotional infidelity?and many couples are surprised to discover that
this slippery slope begins long before a physical affair is underway. Why is
this? Someone starting an emotional affair often denies or minimizes the
significance of what is happening (”It’s just innocent flirting” or
“We’re just friends”). Denial allows the emotional affair to crest
long before the implications of the affair are fully realized.

What is an
emotional affair?

A sexual affair is easy to
identify?you’re either having sex with someone other than your spouse/partner,
or you’re not. An emotional affair isn’t always that obvious. For instance, is
offering emotional support to a coworker you find attractive crossing a line?
Should you keep your distance from everyone you find charming? Is there such a
thing as “innocent” flirting?

Don’t allow these shades
of grey to obscure the fact that there are clear warning signs that you are journeying down the treacherous
path to an emotional affair. Often these signs have as much to do with your behavior as with your feelings for another person.

Let’s turn our attention
to these danger zones.

10 Emotional affair danger zones:

1.  You go out of your way to repeatedly “run into” this person. We
all look forward to seeing people we enjoy?a particular friend or interesting colleague,
for instance. If you’re honest with yourself, however, you’ll know the
difference between a truly coincidental meeting and a “coincidence”
that occurs because you stood around the office coffee machine for two hours
(and you don’t even drink coffee).  

2. You say things to this
person that you wouldn’t if your spouse/partner was standing next to you. This
is an important litmus test to determine if the relationship is starting to
cross the emotional affair boundary line. 

3. You begin confiding in this person. When
you confide in someone, you create a more intimate relationship by sharing
information about yourself that isn’t shared with just anyone. When you take
someone in your confidence, you’ve elevated the relationship to
“special” status.   

4. The relationship becomes
charged with a secretive,
forbidden energy. This creates an “us” dynamic that
separates the relationship from all others?the relationship is designated as unique
because of its secretive nature. This also imbues the relationship with
excitement and an element of danger (in direct contrast to the ho-hum energy of
your current relationship).

5. When the kindle of an
emotional affair is sparked, you begin to anticipate time spent with this person. Looking forward
to spending time with someone other than your spouse isn’t inherently wrong or
dangerous. But when the foundation of an emotional affair is being poured, this
anticipation causes you to feel a longing and level of excitement that should
only exist in your marriage.      

6. You put on your “best face” to impress
this person. When you begin to have feelings for another person, you go out of
your way to be charming, funny, sympathetic? The best “you” begins to
emerge and you deliberately act in ways to enhance your appeal. A side note:
These changes usually mirror how you behaved when you first dated your spouse
or partner.

7. You begin having problem-discussions with each
other?in other words, you start to share your deepest struggles and intimate longings
with this person.  These conversations create
a powerful no-one-else-understands-me-like-you-do bond.

8. S/he becomes the “go-to person” to share all
important news with. While it is human nature to share the events of your life
with the people most important to you, once you’ve entered the gateway of an
emotional affair, your spouse/partner becomes less central in your emotional
world as your give more of yourself to another person.    

9. Before you know it, you
can’t help comparing
the new person to your spouse/partner?and it should be no surprise that your partner
fails to make the grade. In your mind’s eye (and in the illusion of perfect
love), all the differences that stand out for you indicate that this new person
will be a superior mate and give you the happiness that has eluded you.      

10. You begin lying to your spouse/partner. When
your partner asks about your day, you omit any reference to this person (or you
go out of your way to minimize his/her significance). This is a clear
indication that you have something to hide and is often the first warning sign
that an emotional affair is simmering.  

If you see yourself entering
several of the above emotional danger zones, it will be important to hit the
pause button on this new relationship before it’s too late. The allure of an
emotional affair can create the illusion that perfect love exists and is right
around the corner?that the only obstacle to real happiness is your current
marriage or relationship.  

Before you end up risking everything ,
take a few deep breaths. Then start to take stock of yourself and your
marriage/relationship to see what is missing?becoming emotionally involved with
someone else is often just another hurdle to the effort and work that committed
relationships require.

About the author

Tags: coffee machine, coincidence, colleague, couples, coworker, danger zones, denial, emotional affair, emotional infidelity, emotional support, feelings, having sex, just friends, keep your distance, office coffee, sexual affair, shades of grey, slippery slope, treacherous path, warning signs

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